Frivolous

To Fashion:

I would like to purchase a women's tailored button up shirt. I would like it to be tailored to be long, because midriffs are a sign that you can't shop for your body shape or that the company wanted to save on fabric costs. Aside from which, It ruins the line of one's torso and my torso is quite delectably thin.

I would like it to be the bold sort of color you find in an 8-Pack of Crayola markers. I do not want it to have polka-dots, plaid, gingham, or anything even resembling a pastel color. When I wear red or green or yellow, I do not need you to "tone down" the color because I am a woman. I do not need to "tone down" the color so I can look professional because I do not believe that one has to be in pastels to be easily understood. Secretaries and businessmen are perfectly capable of understanding the colors they used to finger-paint with as children. Furthermore, there is an age where pastels are appropriate to wear and it is called childhood. Tiny little children wear pastels to remind us of the delicate blooming flowers they are. I am coming into full bloom, and I will wear the colors of this age.

Furthermore, Do not think that as I age and mature that you will convince me that pastels are a good idea for a top. No, when I age into one of those fiery madams of prestige, power, and finesse, I plan to become all the most mature colors. I will wear warm and French grays (but never cool grays), deep wine burgandy, perhaps even the chesnut brown of fine furniture that I never could appreciate when younger. But! I will not wear pastel. I am a loud woman, and my shirts must keep up with me.

Also, I will have none of this nonsense of short or three quarter sleeves. None of it! If I do not want my cuffs to reach to my wrists I will roll up my sleeves, thank you kindly. Your three-quarter sleeves hide the admirable curve of my forearms; your shortened sleeves hide my equally lovely shoulders. Rolled up sleeves bring out the slight hint of muscular growth to my arms, and make me look like the work-minded person I am, unafraid to get elbow deep in whatever I am doing.

Let us not forget the buttons. I require buttons that are the same color as my shirt, made of plastic, sewn on sturdily, and properly distanced. There is no need for artifice on the shirt itself. If I find the shirt to be too plain, I will add jewlery as I see fit. There will be no rhinestones or turtle-shell on any of my buttons. I am not Anne Hathaway who cannot buy herself a proper tuxedo and needs to offset the traditional masculinity of my clothing with "girlish charm". I am also not Anne Hathaway who plays princesses and queens. I am the court magician's apprentice. Keep your silly shiny things off my shirt!

As a final note: I will have a proper collar. It is occasionally the case that one must assume the professional guise in its entirety and when that happens I will need to wear a tie. Your v-necks that do not button up past my chest will not do. I do not wear pendants that the public needs to see. I will also not support the lack of the button at the base of my neck because, as I said, I need to wear a tie.

If you do not comply, I will take my money elsewhere. And! when you find out that men and women alike enjoy the simple pleasures of a good button-up shirt one year from now, you will follow suit.

Yours Truly,

Tarsis P. Martins

PS. Don't complain. If I thought you were competent I might challenge you to a set of neon yellows and greens, with matching led's in my headphones.